I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
