are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Randomize
