These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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