I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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