So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
why do guys have to express their feelings when they know your seeing someone else ? I fucked him anyways to make him feel better , and to know what he's missing.
Randomize
