Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
