tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
I had to cum in my sink.
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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