frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Looks like a took a video of myself beating off and passed out last night. I'm classy.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
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