so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
