Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
