I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
