if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Randomize
