is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
We need to rekindle our bromance
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
