I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
