cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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