sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
