If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Randomize
