the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
