You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Houston, we have a squirter
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
