Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
zippers are such a cool invention
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
