How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Randomize
