nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
