True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
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