Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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