Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
