so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
