1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
