I cut my penus on the lid.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
