The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
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