So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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