Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
