I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
