saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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