I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
