I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
