Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
