Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Randomize
