Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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