Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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