Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Randomize
