if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
