Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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