I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
