My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
It was a blind-side dick pic.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
