I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
