These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
