Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
