Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
