Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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