She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
