nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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