Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
Randomize
