imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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