i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
