worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
